The Horrible SneezeCraze
by Gimli T. Dwarf
Summary: Hogwarts has to deal with the effects of a ... flu


Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various  
  
publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and  
  
Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.  
  
Rating: R, just to be sure  
  
Summary: Hogwarts has to deal with the effects of a ... flu.  
  
Pairings: plenty of girl/girl action, no actual pairing  
  
Categories: Humor/Parody, Unresolved Sexual Tension (UST)  
  
Warnings: crossdressing  
  
Notes: I tried to make this NC-17 but it just didn`t happen  
  
Feedback: yes, please! darthrosenberg@yahoo.de  
  
Archive: Sure, just tell me!  
  
Chapter 1: A sneeze to shake the stars  
  
It was a typical breakfast in the great hall in Hogwarts. Gossip about Fred and George Weasley´s last prank was making its rounds. Supposedly they offered a big golden dragon two virgins for one of her eggs. As the story went, they even went so far as to sending pictures of all the likely candidates in hogwarts to the dragon to pick from when Umbriges inquisitorial squad caught hold of the package.  
  
Harry was explaining to Ron, why he had this problems of clearing his mind before going to sleep. When Hermione came over (she was in the library to get a study comparing permanent transfiguration charms to muggle plastic surgery) all she heard was Harry talking about garters and leather. Before she could even snap out that "not all girls wear stuff like that", there was a commotion on the Hufflepuff table.  
  
A second year Hufflepuff girl stood next to her seat and had a violent sneezing attack. Snot and pumpkin juice were spraying around her in a big circle and no one dared getting close to her. Already the Slytherins were starting choruses egging her on to sneeze a little harder when Harry looked to the teachers table. There he saw Madame Pomfrey whispering hurriedly to Dumbledore while Professor McGonagall was gathering up her skirts and running to her office with panic in her eyes. Dumbledore stood up and raising his wand started chanting "petrificus tot..." when with a last giant sneeze the girl dropped on the floor like dead.  
  
Madame Pomfrey took charge of the situation and started ordering the prefects to bring everyone to their dorms when a "hem, hem" rung in the suddenly silent hall. Pomfrey turned around to see the High Inquisitor Umbridge standing right behind her, demanding to know what had happened. "I have authority here, and I want to know exactly what you told the headmaster!". Pomfrey told the shorter woman to back off, that she had everything under control and that time was of a neccessity but Umbridge stood fast. So she had to tell Umbride in front of the stunned students, about sneezitis. "It has been around for at least two generations" said Pomfey. "We had an outbreak here in Hogwarts once and it was terrible! Therefore I want an immediate quarantine on the houses to try to get it under control".  
  
Umbridge seemed to enjoy the situation and the attention of everyone on her so she made a snap decision - "We can´t disrupt all the teaching schedules because of one incident" she said smilingly "Hold handkerchiefs ready in every classroom and at noon I´ll hold a teachers conference as to how to react further". "Is there anything I can do to avoid catching this little distraction?". "Oh," said madame Pomfrey - "you are not in danger, and neither am I There are only three things that help against this - as you say - little distraction. First of all, it only befalls girls. The second is grey hair - as soon as you have a single grey hair on your head, you are totally immune so we teachers won´t have much of a problem. And the other thing I would like to discuss in a more private setting".  
  
"Go on, " said Umbridge "we have to tell the students what to do if they´re afflicted!". Pomfrey looked at Dumbledore for support, but he could do nothing an so she started adressing the gathered students. "The other thing that helps is skin contact to other girls - the more the better. I urge you to come to my ward immediately when you feel the slightest itching in your nose, I´ll explain further". Umbridge added "Go on to your classes - 10 points from you house for every student that comes late to their classes today" and let them go.  
  
Harry´s first class in the morning was Herbology. Ron asked him what he thought of sneezitis - and Harry answered "Did you see McGonagall run? I bet she was here when it was in Hogwarts before. I wonder how this cure exactly works". Professor Sprout had just begun class, when the first few girls from Hufflepuff started to get themselves some handkerchiefs and went to the hospital ward. When class ended there were very few girls left, which led to a lot of speculation from the remaining boys that most of the girls just faked a sneeze to get out of this boring class and that the girls which were still here might be boys. Hermione was very ticked off at this and started to randomly putting a stutturio curse on whispering groups of boys. The afflicted boys developed a terrible stutter, which made them immediate targets for ridicule and moved the subject away from the girls.  
  
After lunchbreak the girls started coming back from the ward in groups of twos and threes. Each had a note from Madame Pomfrey that they showed to professor Snape. He grudgingly reseated the class so that the hindmost cauldrons could be used by the latecoming girls. Snape had them mix a potion named "Thequi la Sunrise". After putting the ingredients together they had to tap their cauldrons with their wands and the liquid started with a red glow which grew brighter until glistening sunlight started to emit from the cauldrons. Ron said to Harry "Isn´t it strange, that all he girls come back in groups and they sit in the back of the class? I´m sure I saw one stroking the others back."  
  
The next surprise happened when Neville failed to listen to Snape´s warnings and tried to look directly into the cauldron. As soon as he had his nose over the lip of the container his hair started to burn and he too was sent off to the hospital ward. Harry went with him, because - even though the fire was mostly a nuisance and didn´t hurt - it was so bright that Neville could barely see where he was going in the dark hallways.  
  
When they came to the Hospital Ward, Madame Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen, so Harry set out to find her. He knocked politely at the door of the infirmary and opened the door. What he saw there was a very strange sight to him. On each bed there were two girls - most with red noses - caressing each other. Madame Pompfrey was giving out instructions, "the more of your partner you can feel, the better your nose will be. All of you will be required to sleep in pairs for the next few nights. And no payamas - we have to get rid of this ...". At this moment Neville came stumbling to the door where Harry still stood with his mouth open. His flaming hair caught the attention of one of the girls who started screaming and fetching up her robe that was on the floor.  
  
Madame Pompfrey turned around irritatedly and sent the boys outside to the waiting room. They complied and after the healer calmed the screaming girls down again, she followed after the boys. She gave Neville some pills filled with waterpowder, but before she let them go, she asked them if they had seen anything. Harry couldn´t answer, he stammered incoherently and received drops of forgetfulness from Madame Pomfrey with the instruction to take them before the next three meals.  
  
Both missed their next class and went directly down to the great hall. You could see immediately that lots of the girls were missing and gossip about the illness was flying rampant. So far Hermione was still not afflicted and when she and Ron came down the stairs they found a very disturbed Harry looking at the flask of drops Pomfrey had given to him. Ron asked if it´s true that all the girls missing had exploded and their varios body parts were in a huge heap in the ward like Fred and George were not tiring of explaining to people. When he found that Harry was not able to look up to Hermiones face. When she asked him, what he´d seen in the Ward, he started stuttering again and his ears started burning red.  
  
After some nudging he finally told them what he´d seen in the infirmary and about the drops. Hermione said "The faster you take these drops the better for all of you - and I think Ron should have some too! No wonder all the girls would rather stay in the dormitory than beeing oogled by you!". Since Harry had finished his story, Ron was looking with bright eyes at all the girls around. Hermione nudged him, and after repetaing what she said before, Ron looked at her and told her beamingly if she´d borrow him a book. "What book?" said Hermione. "Any book, " replied Ron" and so you won´t have any troubles, I´ll get it directly from your dorm."  
  
Ron stood up and started to walk away - he looked like he´d been hit by a Stupify curse. Hermione had to almost tackle him, to get him to stop. "You can´t get into the girls dormitory!" she shouted. He answered "Oh I´ve figured the stairs up there out a long time ago - you just have to climb up the rail." Hermione said "No you can´t, there´s a guard stationed there now!". "Bummer," said Ron "well, they can´t be there all the time. Come on Harry, we have Quiddich practice".  
  
When Ron and Harry went out to the Quiddich field, they saw that Angelina was there. They started their general training cycle. What was different was that Harry and Ron had a few near collissions in the air, because both of them were flying constantly along the school windows peering in. When Angelina saw the Snitch almost hit Harry over the head and Harry just waving his arms like he was trying to get rid of a fly while still peering concentrated into a window, she stopped the training short. She asked them what was happening and after some coercion she got the story out of them. Fred and George looked at each other and excused themselves in a hurry "We still have important reading to do!" and training was officially over.  
  
When Harry and Ron came back to the Gryffindor common room, they saw that Hermione hadn´t lied. On the staircase to the girls dormitory hung a large bat and every time a male student accidentally came close to it, it started to scream loudly. Fred and George were huddled over a schematic of the school and whispering to each other. And just when Ron and Harry had persuaded each other that they needed a little extra flying training, Angelina came in with some extra heavy curtains and went up to the dormitory.  
  
They decided to give up for the night and to get up really early tomorrow in the hope of finding a good spot before the nature of the illness became common knowledge in the male community. This night Harry had real troubles clearing his mind before falling asleep but when he finally fell asleep, Voldemort had no chance to invade his dreams.  
  
Chapter 2: Running and watching  
  
The next morning Ron woke Harry very early. "Harry, I have an idea!" It didn´t look like he slept at all but he did look invigorated. "Hermione had this book on gender transfiguration last month. We could get it, curse each other and come down with the sickness!" Harry mumbled "please Cho, continue..." and turned around in his bed but Ron was adamant in waking him. More than an hour before breakfast they were already in the library just to find out that the book in question was already borrowed out. When they were back, they saw Fred holding a ladder and George on top of it. It turned out that they were installing Eyepearls - the most current in security magics. They were charmed so they were seeing their surroundings and a wizard could see whatever they saw in a specially enchanted mirror. The twins were installing them in every dark corner they could find because some girls were bound not to get back all the way to the dorm when the symptoms hit them.  
  
Their first class should have been with professor McGonnagle but when she failed to show up, class was cancelled. Hermione was off to the library to check up on the history of this sickness, and when Ron asked her if she still remembered how the gender tranfiguration worked, she told him "I dont want anything to do with this crazy idea of yours" and was off. Harry and Ron wandered after a group of girls in the hope that they might start pressing their bodies onto each other, but the best they managed to see was some of them holding hands.  
  
When they came past a bathroom on the second floor, they saw a long line of boys waiting to get in. Ron used his authority as a prefect to get in front and found Fred there selling tickets for two Sicles each. His brother let him look past into the bathroom, and he could see every mirror tuned onto a pair or triplet of girls gyrating, rubbing and doing other weird stuff to each other. In front of the mirrors were rows of chairs with boys in them whooping and cheering. Rons ears turned red like his hair and he stumbled back, asking Harry for some money. Harry didn´t have his purse with him, so he declined but he already had another idea. They could get under his invisibility cloak and do some research to help out Hermione. Ron agreed and didn´t even mind to check out the area around Ravenclaw first. Meanwhile George tried frantically to sketch what was happening in the mirrors.  
  
So they went up Harry´s trunk to fetch the cloak and found to much dismay that someone had searched it and the cloak was gone. Who could have stolen it? Who knew? "Hermione wouldn´t" Ron stuttered "she wouldn´t do that!"  
  
They wandered around and saw Peeves flying around and shouting "You gotta see Ravenclaw - it´s an orgy! Thirty years ago I missed most of it, but not now!" and flying back up through the roof. Harry could see that Ron thought of committing suicide to return as a ghost, but since it wasn´t a given that he´d return immediately he didn´t ask Harry to kill him. At least before they went to Professor Trelawneys class, Ron picked up pocketmirrors from Fred and George (at vastly exaggerated prices) and they went up to the tower. One of the last staircases in front of the towers moved in the last second and revealed two sixth year girls underneath making out. Both had short cropped air - one red, one purple. They were licking and sucking on each others body. That neither of them had a red nose was proof enough that the cure worked really well. Another strange thing was that even though they were oldern than Ron or Harry they didn´t have any pubic hair. Harry and Ron watched undisturbed munching chocolate frogs until a boy from Ravenclaw went down the staircase, saw the two girls and promptly fell down the stairs making such a ruckus that the girls stopped what they were doing and ran away. Ron looked ready to kill that poor guy but Harry pulled him with him up to Trelawneys class.  
  
When they finally arrived they were late and when they were quietly entered the room, they saw everyone in a supposed trance. Some of the girls in the back seemed to have slipped together into one huge robe and the boys would have been perfectly happy just to stand here for the rest of the hour, but professor Trelawney saw them coming in and told them to get a seat up front. Ron positioned himself and his mirror in a way that he could see the back of the room where a cute redhead was cuddling with a very tall black haired girl that Ron fancied. But since he didn´t sleep at all last night and since it was very quit in the room - apart from some sucking and giggling noises - he couldn´t help but fall asleep. While Harry would have loved to get a closer look at Cho who was one of the girls in the big robe, couldn´t because his hands were shaking too hard for him to position his mirror properly.  
  
The rest of the day wasn´t much better, because Hermione took it upon herself to make sure that "You two won´t get into trouble" and didn´t let them out of her sight.  
  
It really got interesting that evening, when Neville was brought in from the hospital ward again. It took a while to find out what happened, but Hermione and Ron were pressing mercilessly for the details until the story made sense. Apparently Neville hid in the boys dorm in the morning, when he found Harry´s cloak of invisibility. Under the wrong assumption that he would be safest from the "crazy girls, bacause they were all there yesterday" he went back to the hospital ward to hide out. But he became trapped invisibly in the infirmary for a few more classes of girls beeing instructed in fighting the sickness.  
  
"I saw it all" he said under tears "but it was strangely fascinating." He sobbed. Ron tried to find out more about what happened in there "Where did they kiss each other?!" , but Neville continued - "until Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle came in. They were under some strange curse and were all clearly girls with longer hair and soft things and all. Crabbe was the most terrible thing I´ve ever seen in my live!" Neville cried. Ron looked at Harry - whispering "They stole my idea!". When Neville continued "Madame Pomfrey locked them into a room had them make out with each other. You could see that Malfoy would rather have sneezed to death, but he had to do it because Crabbe and Goyle really got into the spirit of things. At this time I think I have given a shout and dropped down unconcious!". "I´m so sorry but I lost your cloak there and Madame Pomfrey had me promise not to return there for the next week."  
  
Ron was really pale. Neville´s story had a profound effect on him and for the rest of the evening he whimpered every time someone mentioned what they saw the girls doing to each other.  
  
Colin found Ginny and tried to give her his camera. When Fred and George found out, they offered a Galleon to each of them for every picture that Ginny would take in the dorm. But all pleading didn´t help and when Hermione found out what they were planning she confiscated the camera.  
  
Harry mumbled something about flying practice and went out with his broom and a dufflebag. He flew straight up startling his onlookers and jumped off his broom. He did break a few bones, but was back in the infirmary. Madame Pomfrey set up a curtain around his bed and gave him medicine to regrow his bones. When he was alone he climbed out of bed and crawled over to where Neville said he had been standing. After some groping he found his cloak and just in this moment Madame Pomfrey came back in with some new patients. Harry barely had time to get under the cloak, when Madame Pomfrey went over to his bed and was checking that the curtain was closed. The girls were mainly Ravenclaws and Slitherins all with bright red noses. Then Pomfrey started with the instructions to the girls. "Two on each bed and get out of your shirts! Now get real close to each other and hug the other girl tightly. Yes that is very good Ms Atkinson - all look at her and Ms Wilkins!". Both were blonde third years, one with curly and one with very long straight hair. One was lying on the bed wearing next to nothing and the other was rubbing her erect nipples over her.  
  
When the other girls started imitating these two Harry felt bad for Ron and was sure that Ron would hate him if he ever told him about what he saw here and there but he could not get back to his bed without blowing his cover. When the group of girls left Harry slipped back into his bed behind the curtains and now he finally found the clarity in his thoughts he had been looking for for so long and fell asleep.  
  
The next morning, he went down to breakfast on crutches and saw Hermione talking with Nobby in front of the great hall. When Harry approached he didn´t dare to look into Hermione´s or Ron´s faces. When they went to breakfast Hermione told Harry that she´d found a medicine against the sickness and that Nobby was administering it in all the drinks for Breakfast. When Harry asked how it worked she didn´t tell him, but after breakfast it got more and more clear. Everyone who had a sip of either the pumpkin juice or the coffee suddenly grew a grey strand of hair, which had the effect of girls moving apart and noses returning to their original color.  
  
Now Hermione told Harry and Ron "I thought I saw something on the back of your marauders map on this subject and when I rechecked yesterday I found that in the Herbology books in the library were some pages missing. Now I found these same pages were neatly stuck on the back of your map. It turned out that the cure for this sickness was on these pages. Did you never notice the pictures on the back of the map? Anyway, it took me and Professor Snape all day yesterday to make enough of the potion and now we administered it to everyone here".  
  
Ron looked up suddenly and gasped "Except for Malfoy and his gang - they´re still locked into the hospital ward". They looked around and to the Slytherin table and started laughing so hard that the whole room had to join in. 


End file.
